guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
