I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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