Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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