I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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