Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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