I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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