i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
