I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
