The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
