I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
false alarm, still single
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
