my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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