Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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