So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
