His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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