I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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