Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
