I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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