i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
