when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
