Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
