omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
