Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
