i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
