i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
