After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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