I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
