I want to walk on stilts...naked
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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