I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
