I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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