Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
