I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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