i think my mom watched the whole time
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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