Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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