She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
