I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
