I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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