I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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