He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
