I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
