I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
