The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
