dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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