I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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