For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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