First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize