I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
