I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
