The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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