He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Randomize
