Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Floor bacon is actually really good
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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