The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
