so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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