u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize