That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize