Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
