I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
