I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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