bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
