Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
